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Never wax your hoo-ha!


water!! Hot water melts wax! Iíll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???


   I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.


   Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.


   So, now Iím stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!


   I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Itís a very good conversation starter. ĎSo, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!í There is a slight pause. She doesnít know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ĎAre we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?í Sheís laughing out loud by now. I give her the rundown and she suggests


My night began as any other normal weeknight. Fix dinner, watch the grand kids come and go. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; ĎMaybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.


   It was one of those Ďcold waxí kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, Iím not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)


   So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (ĎCold wax,í yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!


   OK, so it wasnít the best feeling, but it wasnít too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.


   With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the family, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet...using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the


right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!!! Iím blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that Iíve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...I must stay conscious...I must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.


   I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! Thereís no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???


   Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip! I touch ... I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.


   Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ĎPlease donít let me get the urge to poop ... my head may pop off!í

     What can I do to melt the wax? Hot  
  I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone elseís night.  

   While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!


   By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and Iím pretty sure Iím going to need post-traumatic stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?


   I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend. Itís sooo painful, but I really donít care. IT WORKS!!


   I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair ... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE ... ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, Iím numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week Iím going to try hair bad can that turn out???

  Need hair removed? go to  
  or call 724.987.3221  

LivingBody BEAUTIFUL | Your Tri-County Resource Guide to Health and Beauty | Magazine Six      24     


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